Do you ever feel guilty?

[daisy madness]

DS (5) told me that a child from his class brought candy in to give out to the class for his birthday.  The teacher wouldn't let him give it out and the little boy cried.  The classroom has a strict no food treats policy due to DS's allergies.  Ironically, this other child has a peanut allergy so his parents really should've known better. But I met this other boy's mom and she described her son's allergy as "mild" but then told me that during his last reaction, his breathing was very heavy and fast. She gave him Benadryl.  I had to pick my chin up off the floor.  That doesn't sound very mild to me.

My fear is that as the kids get older, they may start to resent DS because they aren't allowed to have food treats at school.  He sits at the allergy table and carries his epipen with him throughout school. It isn't hard to figure out that he's the one with the allergies. 

DS didn't seem to be upset about the incident. He told me pretty matter of factly. I know it's not my fault, but I feel bad that this little boy cried.

[GingerPye]

Well, I have found that kids are much more accepting of my kids' food allergies than a lot of adults are.

[twinturbo]

My response is a little indirect. I'm not trying to avoid the question or be smarmy but the purpose of school shouldn't be for birthday celebrations. Maybe a quick round of singing happy birthday at the end of the day. The second part regarding concern of resentment, likely to happen at some point because an accommodation is literally a change and the culture of using school as something other than learning like birthday parties has become established for the last 15 years or so. A lot of schools are moving towards non-food rewards, treats, so in the case of the child who was disappointed and I truly have sympathy for I blame the adults who should have communicated more to have had something sorted out before hand.

And truly if this was a matter of no adults involved having the time to coordinate a non-food treat or such then they don't have time for the whole birthday party during class time in the first place. However, on the current trend to label parenting I would fall more towards the "Tiger Mom" end of the scale although that pop culture label is clunky, lame and overplayed. Amy Chua is laughing all the way to the bank. Anyhow, reversing the trend over the last 15 years of increasing treats in class time is hard. Even parents who don't have food allergic children have to battle that treat culture.

[momma2boys]

When my ds was little, I'm elementary, a parent sent in a bakery cake and they sent it home. I definitely felt sad for that child and yes, guilty. Sure, it was the parents fault for not following rules but you know how excited that kid was to bring in the cake.

[daisy madness]

Yes, those are my feelings exactly. The parent's have been told numerous times not to send in food items, so it's really their fault their child was disappointed. But I still feel a twinge of guilt.

I agree that they should take food treats out of the schools altogether.

[CMdeux]

We simply don't sign on for things where we have to ask for accommodations to the "fundamental nature" portion of things.  Because the last thing I want is to make other people feel bad about themselves over food.

Beyond that, I feel RESENTFUL when I have to ask at all-- given that it's not part of fundamental nature, I feel that food shouldn't be there.

KWIM?

[twinturbo]

I feel empathy for a child's disappointment and I would encourage the administration to improve their communication on policy, but definitely not guilt. Guilt is reserved if someone gets hurt and I could have prevented it.

[hopechap]

Well, my kid has gone through lots of pain too over treats.  Personallly, it shocks me that parents send food in without consulting the teacher first, not even concerning food allergy, but just as a courtesy -- you know -- is this a good day for this?  I know plenty don't -- but I think it is common courtesy to ask the teacher first -- and today, with email, that is so easy to do.

I hate it when kids cry. But the whole thing is just so painful and has been for years -- hopefully the teacher is a good comforter and helped this child feel better. It is not your fault.  Parents need to ask before sending in. period.