so sorry Mary!
for your DD too!
DD has been there. And I echo, food and social situations become more frequent and more complex as our kiddos get older. We are not in theater but deal with food with her sports teams and their banquets, NHS and Student Council events, etc...
Your DD is young and what I can tell you is as she grows up, small steps, successful evenings and events, lower anxiety (it never disappears completely) she will cope better, she will feel more empowered. All this at her own pace, each kiddo is ready at different times, no real time table.
You are a great Mom and your DD knows you have her back! And over time, the tools you give her will help her navigate and own food situations. Your DD will have better experiences.
It is really awesome when my DD presents a situation with a solution already figured out! And although I know she is capable, her homework load is huge so sometimes an event will come up and I will right away offer to do the research and find a solution knowing she does not have the time or that she is already stressed with other things.
Because these are not your DD's classmates, it is a bit different, but when your DD is with her classmates, you may be surprised to find more inclusion or at least an effort. I hope you do. Last year's softball banquet was being planned by moms of two seniors (DD was a sophomore) and they contacted me right away to ask how to make it safe for DD. Meanwhile the coach emailed me too asking the same thing. The coach bought safe Lofthouse Cookies and Nut Free cupcakes and ordered a smaller sheet cake with the team message. The safe snacks became part of the dessert table and DD was asked to serve herself first. For the buffet meal, the Mom's had the restaurant contact me, we came up with modifications for DD and the Mom's were very careful to keep DD's portions set aside away from the buffet and they made a plate for DD! I sat back and enjoyed myself.
My DD is now 16......and licensed.....and most recently drove herself to the mall, met a group of friends, shopped, went out to dinner at the Cheesecake Factory, and drove herself home! Like it was nothing! That is the best! And when she is eating out with friends, she likes to text me photos of her dinner plate bragging at the yummy food she has to eat! That makes me laugh and makes me glad she wants to share this with me.
Of course now we face Prom (I'll have to share Promposal with allergies story someday soon), boys (kissing and
whatever), and I want to go no run back to those days of preschool and cupcake moms instead of the conversations we have now
)
Yes, DD has food anxiety but she is less fearful. During a college tour this summer she hit it off really well with our tour guide and when asked what she might be worried about going off to college, she said eating safely in a college cafeteria. That tour guide took her to the cafeteria and showed her how they deal with allergies and had a kitchen person speak to her! She was able to vocalize her anxiety to a stranger! And that stranger gave her some great information!
On another note, I went shopping and out to lunch with a friend for her birthday yesterday. We had a great time! She is allergic to gluten (she is the one I safely bake for). She ordered a safe meal, the same as she always orders when we eat there, but she did not stress
gluten allergy to her waiter. She stared having "glass in her eyes" feeling as we left the restaurant and thought it was something in the air (perfumes can do this to her). A short drive down the road and I was dangerously crossing 3 lanes of busy traffic to hit a pharmacy across the road. I did not like her cough, knew she was in trouble, Benedryl, water, not much relief until I got her home and she took another dose. She had run out of Benedryl in her purse, she has an epi pen but has never used it for gluten. The second dose calmed that nasty cough and her breathing calmed. Just her glassy eye and the start of her expected bad stomach.
A lesson when I got home for DD, yes you can order safely on the menu but never, ever, ever avoid saying "allergy" to a waitperson or food server! Still teaching, supporting, and advocating
for and with my DD. A couple years ago, she asked me if when she is at college can she still text me anytime about food? That would be a resounding YES! Anytime! I have her back!