When do you bring up food allergies?

[CMdeux]

For the truly curious prospective date with a science-y bent, you can show where you "fit" on the curve-- just what it means to be part of the "1%" in this domain, I mean...

http://www.ilsi.org/Europe/Documents/Food%20Allergy%20Symposium/Poster_Blom.pdf

[CMdeux]

http://healthland.time.com/2013/09/16/how-nut-allergies-made-me-monogamous/

[CMdeux]

New boyfriend and kissing

[CMdeux]

So I've given this a lot of thought (obviously)-- my recommendation for a teen like Sky (who has a very low threshold and is also not particularly extroverted/assertive) is that there must be TWO stated conditions in a relationship which is "more than just friends" in any sense:

1.  You must promise me that you will NEVER EVER lie to me about what you have been eating/doing as it relates to food.  NEVER.  Not by omission, not by half-truths, not by dishonest statements.  DO NOT DO MY THINKING FOR ME here-- you lack the experience.


2.  You must be respectful of my decisions about intimate contact because of the sum of my life experiences-- I don't want to have a reaction, because a reaction can kill me or land me in the hospital.  That is not just about MY feelings.  I could probably  forgive you such an accident-- but could YOU forgive YOURSELF?



I live by those two conditions myself, honestly, and have for many years-- and its a HUGE breach of trust when anyone I know violates either one of them.  Period. 

[Mookie86]

Re point 2 above, someone needs to respect feelings about intimate contact for many reasons.  FAs or not, a romantic partner always should respect the boundaries someone wants to set.  IMO, she doesn't need to raise this point because it's a given that no means no.

[CMdeux]

I think that in her case, she does.

Because it's simply not even a point of negotiation at all, if it's about food allergy, then it's an absolute.  She has to have veto power. 

I mention that because in most relationship matters, there is a certain give-and-take about what makes one partner uncomfortable, what is MAYBE okay, and what the other person wants.  KWIM? 

Like-- should we go see this movie, or that one?  I know that you don't like PDA's, but can I at least hold your hand while we sit here... But when it's food related, it's one-sided, and it has to be.


The other thing that is complicating things for Sky is that she has a lot of issues related to trust and honesty-- that happens when you get involved with someone who winds up later telling you that everything was merely a lie-- Matrix-style.       This was someone who SEEMED to get her food allergies well enough that she trusted him completely... and who really got past her guard in a big way, only to later recant so thoroughly that it was truly life-altering in the way that only profound abuse can be.  That damage was all the more profound because of the food allergies-- it has left her aware that she is terribly, terribly vulnerable if she doesn't "judge" someone's intent and inner motivations well.  She is risk-averse at a level that is almost incomprehensible to other peers her own age. 

She's learned to trust NON-verbal communication way, WAY more than verbal cues as a result.  Some conversations will have to take place in real time and in person.  It's hard to explain, but essential for her.

[Mookie86]

Gotcha.  I didn't realize you were including handholding and things of that nature when you mentioned intimate contact.  I thought you meant kissing and beyond. 

[maeve]

If that isn't an endorsement for condom usage, I don't know what would be...

I've already had brief conversations with DD (who is 12) about how she will have to use condoms when she becomes sexually active. We had the discussion about kissing when she was 5 because a boy in her daycare class kissed another girl (and at that age the likelihood a boy kissing her would have eaten her allergens in the preceding few hours would have been extremely high).

One thing that has not been brought up here is drinking and its impact on judgment in intimate relations. I've had discussions with DD about drinking and how it not only impacts how quickly she'll react but also that it impairs her judgment. As she gets older, we'll have more explicit discussions about drinking and sexuality.

[CMdeux]

Yes, we've had those conversations too.

DD has pretty much decided that drinking + her = NEVER happening, for a variety of reasons--  but her food allergies are a HUGE part of that decision.

She's content to be the designated driver for a lifetime, I think.   

[Macabre]

Bump

[Mezzo]

This is all very helpful!

[PurpleCat]

Funny timing on seeing this.  I just got back from seeing my OB/GYN.  She is seeing DD in 2 weeks for DD's first ever GYN appointment.  Both she and her nurse are so ready to speak to DD about many topics including kissing and sex with food allergies.  (something our allergist and our pediatrician have been unable to do either because they do not know or are uncomfortable).

I will feel so much better launching DD to college knowing both of them have spoken to her and both said they will be sure she knows she may call with questions or concerns anytime regardless of where she is going to school.

 

[Macabre]

Wow. What a doc!!