My son recounted an incident that happened at lunch on Friday. A boy waved his allergen around at him, reaching across another boy to do it, while smiling and saying something about it that he couldn't quite understand, but gathered the boy was teasing him. I told the teacher about this yesterday morning. I told her I have zero tolerance for that kind of stuff and wanted her to talk with the boy/class about what NOT to do during lunch.
My son came home and told me that the teacher pulled my son and the boy into the hall, asked my son what happened, then asked the boy if he did it, the boy said 'no', the teacher concluded my son was lying. Told him 'I'm going to have to talk to your mom and tell her that you lied'.
Livid. :rant:
Side notes: My son is seven years old. Aside from his food allergy, he is newly diagnosed ADHD. THis can sometimes get in the way of him being able to express his thoughts. Also, this teacher is a long term sub until March. I sat down with her, the principal, and my son when she took over the classroom so we were all on the same page with understanding and handling both the allergy and the ADHD. We most definitely spoke of the need for the two of them to be a team, that the teacher would listen to him, be patient, etc. And no, no 504 yet. I've been waiting to gather what accomodations I feel are needed for his adhd. I'm working on it.
WHat if anything more can I add to this list:
Teacher created a adversarial environment for my son when he attempted to self-advocate.
Teacher essentially called my son a liar.
Teacher damaged the trust that had been established between her and my son.
Teacher did not create an environment where my son could get his thoughts and feelings out about feeling unsafe.
The teacher in a sense, lied to my son, when she told him that she would listen to him about his food allergy, that they would be a team.
The boy, who if in fact, does remember the incident, learned that he got away with it and could possibly do it again, because the teacher won't believe my son.
The boy, who if does not remember the incident from four days prior, now understands my son to be a liar.
My son is hurt by the insult of the 'liar' accusation.
My son is leary of trusting that the teacher is on his side.
My son has already concluded that if he needed to tell his teacher anything again, that she 'would say that I'm lying'.
My son now feels that she 'isn't a good teacher'.
ETA: And Going Forward.
Efforts by my son to self-advocate need to be affirmed.
Objectively assess motivation for the accusation. The allergic child is motivated by safety. What would he gain by lying?
Any further conversations with my son needs to be done with the knowledge of his processing difficulty.
How are you going to restore my child's trust?
A 'he-said she-said' confrontation is not appropriate when dealing with a threatening allergy incident.
Beware - my child is now much less comfortable in reporting subjective symptoms of a major reaction in its earliest (ie-- most treatable) stage.
He may attempt to hide symptoms due to feeling INTIMIDATED in his efforts at self-advocacy.
I know there's an angle I'm missing. I really want to cover all my bases when I have my 'wth were you thinking' meeting with them. THanks for any thoughts on the matter. :heart:
Wow! What an awful witch!
You could also approach it from the standpoint that the way she handled the situation would have been wrong regardless of the circumstances or who was involved. You should never pit two children against each other. The offender was 7 years old, what was he gonna do but lie to cover his butt? She should never have called your son a liar - ESPECIALLY IN FRONT OF ANOTHER STUDENT!! She should have addressed the entire class and anonymously (both for offender and victim) dealt with teasing/bullying in the lunchroom and then quietly keep an eye on the situation going forward. It doesn't really matter if she "believes" it happened it's still an appropriate topic to be addressed. :disappointed:
She should have talked to each child separately. That is awful. :rant: :bonking:
How awful. What makes the teacher so sure that the other boy was telling the truth and your son was lying? If I knew neither of the two children, and tried to objectively assess motivation, there would be much more motivation for the other boy to lie to avoid getting into trouble than for your son to lie, since it would accomplish nothing if your son made up the incident whereas for the other boy to lie it would accomplish something---it would get him out of being punished. That is really horrible. The teacher is not being objective.
The only small thing I would change about your list is on #2 I would take out the word "essentially". If it occurred exactly as your son says, then she called him a liar. She didn`t essentially call him a liar; she called him a liar. I am big on letter writing, so if it were me, I would write a letter to the principal and cc others, although I am not sure who. Maybe others can make suggestions as to who to cc. I would ask your son if he wants a different teacher, and if he says yes, request a teacher change due to the fact that the teacher is unable to handle problems in an objective manner. However, if your son feels that it would just make it worse if he were moved to another class, then I would not do it.
I didn't feel good about writing 'essentially' either. Thank you for confirming that.
Thank you, thank you for all of your comments.
I thought of that, too, as I read through, about the word "essentially" ---- but then thought that maybe you weren't sure of the wording and were assuming that she called him a liar. But if she did, she did. Say it flat out.
Is this a sub who is just out of school? Young/no teaching experience?
This is a sub with about 20+ years of experience. She's a retired teacher. Not the warm fuzzy type either. :(
And I guess I said 'essentially' because she didn't say ' you .are. a. liar.' literally.... but rather said, 'I'm going to have to talk to your mom and tell her that you lied.' ykwim?
So by that, she is telling him that he has just lied, he's a liar....
umm, close enough wording, IMO.
Retired teacher, huh. Well. She should know better.
Good luck -- I hope you get some resolution very soon on this matter. :grouphug:
Change the word "weary" to "wary" or "leery."
Wow. I sure would document this.
After a few incidents like this we got a clause in DS' 504 written that said his efforts at self-advocacy will be affirmed. Love that.
The teacher's actions would have been a 504 violation in that case
That is exactly what I was thinking.
Secondarily, if the teacher "knows" that your son is "a liar," then how comfortable is he going to be in reporting subjective symptoms of a major reaction in its earliest (ie-- most treatable) stages?
Will he attempt to hide symptoms from her?
Will he wait until they become more serious?
This, as you know, could have catastrophic consequences if he feels INTIMIDATED in his efforts at self-advocacy.
This is a different situation for every child; some kids are naturally more assertive personalities than others. But for an authority-pleaser type who is someone shy or reluctant to draw attention to him/herself, what this teacher did could result in a child's DEATH due to not seeking care when they should. We only get one chance to coach our kids in those critical years between kindy and adolescence; if they learn that they'll be punished for attempts to advocate, it places them at very grave risk as teens.
I'd very definitely address WHY self-advocacy is such a critical piece of a 504 plan if your DS is one of that sort. :heart:
I agree with CM Deux. When dd was that age, she was very shy. I was always worried that if she thought she might be reacting, she might not speak up. Your son was put in an unsafe situation and then he was negatively reinforced for speaking up. I think I would say that in the letter. I`d consider seeing if the allergist would be willing to write a letter that if your son feels he is an unsafe situation, he should not be negatively reinforced for speaking up, or something to that effect.
We had a situation that was slightly different last year where the teacher didn't "say" DS1 was lying but everyone covered their butts so far it disgusted me. Basically DS1 had itching all over his body and was sent to the nurse (reality was they stopped by on the way to lunch for a quick once over) and the nurse told him to return if the itchiness continued. He asked to go again after lunch and was told there was nothing the nurse could do so to go back and do his work :disappointed:
It was at that point that I had a very clear conversation with my DS that only HE was in control of his allergies. That if his needs or concerns were not being addressed by the teacher he was to walk out of class and down to the nurses office. If he was ignored by the nurse (given our current nurse, I doubt that would happen), he was to demand that I am called. Only he knows how he feels inside and I would rather deal with him walking out of class than getting a call from the ER.
I emailed the principal asking for a meeting with him and the teacher. And he just called me. I told him all of my concerns over this and how I feel it was not handled well at all...from an allergy and ADHD angle. He is understanding but says the teacher told him that my son said 'i think that's what happened' kind of wishy washy like. So there is a perfect example of what we discussed during our initial meeting when the sub took over...that my son has difficulty processing information and conveying his thoughts....so that 3 second- hallway meeting didn't help, but rather caused harm...in several ways.
He wants me to meet with the teacher first. Fine. Not a problem at all. He may pop in at the end of our meeting. whatev.
Thanks for your continued thoughts and comments!
Thanks for your comments. I've combined them into a great working tool for my own situation. I hope someone else finds it useful as well!!
And Going Forward
Efforts by my son to self-advocate need to be affirmed.
Objectively assess motivation for the accusation. The allergic child is motivated by safety. What would he gain by lying?
Any further conversations with my son needs to be done with the knowledge of his processing/conveying difficulty. (ADHD)
His ADHD may mean a bowing to authority and an inability to discern WHAT is being asked of him; he may get lost in the question.
How are you going to restore my child's trust?
A 'he-said she-said' confrontation is not appropriate when dealing with a threatening allergy incident.
Beware - my child is now much less comfortable in reporting subjective symptoms of a major reaction in its earliest (ie-- most treatable) stage.
Beware - He may attempt to hide symptoms due to feeling INTIMIDATED in his efforts at self-advocacy.
Don't want to oversimplify, but . . .
Quote
The allergic child is motivated by safety.
also makes me want to ask the counterpart question:
"What is the teacher's motivation?" . . .
And in the back of my head (ok, perhaps in front of my head) is my answer:
"CYA".
~ ~ ~
And I think about ADHD & other related and how often this may mean a bowing to authority and an inability to discern WHAT is being asked of him/her literally vs the child's misinterpretation of (or getting lost in) the intent of the question.
~ ~ ~
Our cafeterias now have camera surveillance. *cough cough*
Too bad they didn't have it LAST year when the kid threw the bag of pnuts at son and hit him in shoulder . . . but at least there were other credible witnesses that day.
~ ~ ~
You're all over it, lilpig!
:thumbsup:
Holy cow, aj!! I can't imagine a carton of eggs hitting my son. Good grief!
QuoteAnd I think about ADHD & other related and how often this may mean a bowing to authority and an inability to discern WHAT is being asked of him/her literally vs the child's misinterpretation of (or getting lost in) the intent of the question.
Thank you for this. It's perfect.
Hugs to you and your son. You got lots of great advice here.
Reminds me of my second grade teacher - who was about as far from warm and fuzzy as you could get. She had a paddle (yes, seriously) hanging on her wall, and she explained to us that the reason that there were holes drilled in it was so she could swing it harder.
I eventually had to get my first pair of glasses in second grade when the school told my mom that I failed the vision test. I had told my teacher that I couldn't see the writing on the board two months earlier, and my desk was all the way in the back of the room. Instead of moving my desk, or maybe passing it on to my mom, the teacher told me that if I couldn't see, I would have to sit on the floor. I spent nearly two months, sitting on the floor in the front of the room, propping my work up on the back of a book so that I could see the board.
Wow Janelle. :( It always amazed me how the school admin can simply overlook these things. Teachers who yell constantly, etc., etc...
:disappointed:
The way that teacher handled it was inexcusable. I hope you get some good results with the principal.
I think you need to give this teacher a copy of the article about the girl that died at an elementary school in VA on 1/2.
>:(
No helpful advice, but I'm so sorry you are dealing with this. We are in the middle of a similar situation without the added insult of the teacher saying DD is a liar. You must be beside yourself.
Finally posting about our meeting. I apologize for not getting back sooner. :(
The principal did show up to the meeting and he sort of 'ran' it actually. Probably a good idea as I sensed the teacher appeared somewhat bothered. My son did attend the meeting as well. I do feel like I was able to convey ALL of my thoughts on the matter. The teacher did not admit that she said she'd have to tell me that he lied. I got another story entirely. So, I was left feeling that my son had a somewhat different perspective on the matter, due to ADHD processing?Possibly....BUT the fact remained that his trust in his teacher was left broken, that his first attempt at self-advocacy did NOT go well at all, and that I needed to convey that she MUST rebuild that trust. No apology was given.
All in all, I called her on the carpet, she knew I was not the type of mom that would just let it go, ever. I think she knew that I'm a mom who expects more.
............
And guess what.....today was her last day as the sub. 8-) It's a good thing...the ADHD issues we're having are so difficult for a teacher like her to deal with. :( But happy teacher returns tomorrow......oh. yeah! :yes:
Glad that teacher is gone.
The teacher now is returning, so she and your son know each other? Is she aware of the fact that your son lost trust in the sub? At his age, he may have a bit of mistrust for all teachers for a while, but this might be less so if he already knows and trusts the teacher that's returning.
Hope all goes well for him.
I might consider a brief meeting with "happy" teacher to discuss?
Id personally let it go now that youve discussed it with the principal present if you have no issues with the reg teacher.
you dont want to appear you are
a. micromanaging people.
b. infantalizing the teacher or principal you like.
c. a nag.
Ask me how i know.