So we're at the YMCA Halloween party where, in the past they've always had things like hard candy and little toys to give out. We get here and they're handing out cookies (homemade ones) that they don't know what is in them. Maybe nuts, they say. DD is upset and won't go back in, which is fine. Other 2 kids are still in there. She is worried now about contact, not to mention the fact that ds has karate in the same gym next week. In the past the y has been very willing to make sure kids with allergies stayed safe but it doesn't seem to be a priority anymore. :(
I'm sorry the party didn't work out and created an unsafe environment. When things cool down a little, I would ask to speak with the director and explain how the changes impacted your family. Hopefully they'll revert back to the previous plan.
I always wonder, in situations like this, if I'm being too paranoid and/or setting dd up to be uber-paranoid in life. At some point, obviously, she is going to be out in the cold cruel nutty world and have to deal. She is 16 but I can't help sheltering her still.
As far as the director, I don't know that it'll help but I may try. But we are not members and only ds has activities there. The employees I spoke with tonight just said they didn't know and rolled their eyes, with the exception of one that said she was really sorry. I can't even imagine, allergies aside, accepting homemade goods for something like this. Or eating them. Not even knowing who made them.
yeah, that sounds strange in this day and age. To accept the homemade goodies.
Hopefully they will clean that gym before karate next week.
I think at age 16 it's probably time to learn to deal. Not trying to be mean here--but it's what we've been working on with DS, 14. The hard candy environment you described still wouldn't have been one we would have allowed DS to eat candy at/from. He could go, but not eat.
Yes, in school we've pressed for no food, fully inclusive environment (didn't always work), and he still has a 504. But this year I'm just not working on the food thing as much. He is learning that sometimes the important thing is being with friends, not necessarily eating with them.
Aside from this--I have found Ys not very good about FA inclusion. Not when it ame to a cooking class. Not when the Y provided an afterschool program was going to keep DS in a separate desk. We are always members, but I don't expect really good things from them.
Agree. At about 12yo, we started to ease into things like this, coaching DD to evaluate whether a place is:
a) risk to BE in-- no matter how careful
b) risk to BE in, be very careful-- positioned to leave at an instant
c) risk to stay in, stop by and say hi, but don't linger
d) risk to touch surfaces in (like b, in other words, in terms of vigilance)
e) risk to EAT in, so don't-- and wipe down where you sit
f) risk to accept food in, so don't (this is usually the kind of situations that we now drop her off for, btw)-- keep your hands clean and keep your own stuff uncontaminated.
g) okay to eat in, but only your own food
h) okay to eat food from others (okay, mostly this = home or a select handful of homes of VERY close friends)
It's a spectrum, and she's got to learn how to judge situations properly in order to evaluate when a situation shifts up in danger (and indicates that leaving is a good idea).
We're now at a point (after almost 2y) that we are fairly routinely dropping DD into situations like e) and even occasionally d) when she has a friend to act as point man.
Yeah we had a talk about it. And I reminded her that before we had internet we weren't careful at all (only thing we did back then was not give her anything with nuts or may contains or shared equipment, etc) and she has never really had a reaction of any kind. Occasional mystery hives but even those were few and far between. We talked about how she will be getting a job someday and wanting to go out on her own and such. She felt a lot better after we talked about all that. She did feel bad about leaving early but honestly, they are all getting too old to be doing the halloween at the Y party. 99% of the people there were about 3 feet tall and under.
One issue we have now is that she doesn't really have any real life friends. We homeschool and live out in the country in a very rural area. Since she quit swimming at the Y (which was a few yrs ago when she hit the upper age level in their program) she isn't in any activities where other kids are. I'm desperately trying to find something for her that will allow her to socialize but there just isn't anything in our area. It's so rural here and even going to church, no one really socializes at church. The local homeschool co-op has so many regulations I'm not sure I want to join but probably will next year just to get the kids out of the house (the other two do some group activities). Part of what we liked about homeschooling are the lack of regulations.
Ditto the other moms here. My DD is now 13. She goes everywhere and does not panic anymore. She calls me if she has a question, but otherwise she participates. She is well educated about what foods are safe and sometimes chooses not to eat anyway following her gut. No problem with that. I usually give her a snack in her purse just in case. At school she is not separated from other students who eat what she is allergic to and does just fine.
(Of course that is because she is older - I did not feel this way when she was young, those what's mine is mine and what's yours is mine years are not fun with allergies!!!)
The only place I ask to have an adult in the building is at the movies. We don't need an adult in the actual movie, but close enough to move if the phone call comes that she is in trouble. Way too much food, its dark, and not enough cleaning - IMHO.
It's tough your DD is so isolated from an active social life. I don't know details about homeschooling so I apologize if this is off base, but couldn't she join a club or other activity at the local high school? Can she attend school social activities since she is part of the community?
I hadn't realized that she doesn't have serious contact reactions. In that case, yes, I also agree that it's time to put the risk into perspective and learn to be in those situations where unsafe foods are present. It'll be a gradual process for her to become comfortable in those situations, but hopefully it's a transition she can make. Maybe it'd help to look at it like you'd treat a phobia? Learn what the real degree of risk is, and have her remind herself of the low degree of risk when she starts getting nervous. Cognitive-behavioral therapy techniques for phobias might help you work with her on this, but the starting point seems to be education about the realistic degree of risk and to have confidence that she'll know how to recognize and treat a reaction, if one should occur.
As for the social isolation, do you have any neighbors with girls of similar age? Even if your homes are so spread out that you'd have to drive there, maybe there are some local kids who might become friends? Do you have a community recreation center where she could sign up for some classes? Does the Y offer anything else that would interest her? A friend of mine in a rural area who homeschools has had the kids do some classes, but she's found the homeschool co-op is the best way for her kids to form relationships with others.
How about some community college courses? Some for credit some not.
Right-- community ed classes are a great way to meet other people her age (and interests).
Other ideas:
community volunteering,
local library activities
Actually she wasn't that paranoid before, but for some reason, while we were on vacation this past August, she was constantly worried and since then, she's been ultra paranoid. I'm hoping it's a phase and it passes soon.
The library only has activities for very young kids. I'm planning to call some local vets and see if they offer any type of volunteer program for teens or know of any. She thinks she wants to work with animals someday.
as far as neighbors, there are none. We really live out in the middle of nowhere (dh is a farmer). She did have friends at swimming but they were only swimming friends, if that makes sense. They all had their school friends outside of swimming and were not welcoming at all. There are no community centers or anything like that here. There aren't any teen activities at the Y. There are only ones for small kids and then it jumps to adult activities, like volleyball and basketball. She is not interested in athletics at all, other than horseback riding. She loves art but the art association only has very sporadic activities for kids-maybe twice a year or three times at most. These are the joys of living in such a rural area, I guess. The local teens literally sit in parking lots talking. That's the only "activity" there is around here. So the co-op, which will require kids to take academic classes (which is what we do at home already) and require me to teach, which I don't want to do with other people's kids, is our only option. I can only hope they'll let me do non-teaching volunteer work instead but they aren't taking new members until next June anyway. And they don't tell you what classes are available until after you've paid for the membership.
eta: she actually has a cousin that is about 6 mos younger than she is, but she is very snobby toward all of us (typical teen I guess) and she constantly posts pictures of herself in heavy makeup and scanty clothing on her public facebook page-apparently her parents think it's ok-and I'm not sure I would be comfortable with dd hanging around with her. On her facebook her friends call her an alcoholic on a regular basis and she calls her mother a hoe. Nice, right? But it's a moot point since she wants nothing to do with dd as a friend anyway. She never even speaks to her when we see her.
That's a tough situation socially, Jessica. Is there a bowling alley? Maybe you can form a teen bowling league? Is there an ice skating rink?
Does she do horseback riding? Could she spend more time at the stable helping to care for horses and spending time with other people in that way?
Or, how about going to meetup.com and starting a teen social group for homeschoolers? Only meet in public places, of course.
We have a horse but there's never anyone at the stable when we go. I don't think he has many kids her age going there and the only person we see on a regular basis is an older lady. She isn't riding now-she broke her arm last spring and had to have surgery and she isn't ready to ride yet. We go and she walks her horse and brushes him. We're actually trying to sell him and get an older and smaller horse so maybe then she'll be more comfortable. The one we have is young and needs more training and is exceptionally tall.
the only bowling alley isn't really teen-suitable. Every time we've gone, there have been more falling-down-drunk people there than anything else-maybe because it's actually a bar with a bowling alley in it. There's no ice skating rink. There's a roller skating rink and we've been there and she hated it. All 3 kids did. Because if they can't pick up a new skill right away, they don't think they will ever do it. ~)
I have regretted homeschooling for quite a while now because of this. My husband and a friend of ours were the ones that decided on the homeschooling and I had no choice in the matter. And now the friend is off in Alaska and dh is no help whatsoever.
eta: we tried 4H too, and the kids weren't interested. DH was not very supportive of it either, because around here, if you don't have a certain last name, you're pretty much never going to get anywhere in 4H. And it's not our last name.
Jessica, we mix road schooling in with home schooling meaning we're museum and science center nomads. We travel up to two hours each way for day trips but sometimes it's a place 10-30 minutes away. Obviously the biggest expense is gas and the biggest tax bummer that none of it is deductable.
Have you thought about enrolling her in the public school? Or is it possible to speed up her homeschooling some so that she can start at a local college sooner?
I thought about public school but personally, I wouldn't want to be the new kid in my senior year in a small-town school (and it's not the town we live near and we rarely go there-it just happens to be the school district we live in). I may email the local college guidance counselor and see if he/she has any suggestions. I would be willing to take a class with her the first time if it's a fun class (so that she could get used to the classroom setting without being totally alone). I'm over doing academics. lol
Does she plan on attending a brick-and-mortar college? If so, I think it's a great idea to take classes at the community college so she gets used to being in a classroom, taking those tests, etc.
Another idea: if it's free in your state, enrolling in a cyber school. That way she'd interact with kids her age, even if they are in a different place. And if she gets on with one or two of them, maybe if you travel to that part of the state (say for a field trip), you can meet up. It might be an opportunity for a social bridge anyway.
I think moving to a b&m school might be tough in an environment like your small town. I have lived in a tiny town, and the only thing for kids to do was sit in a parking lot and drink. Ugh.
The idea of taking a class at a local community college is great!
Back to the topic--one of the things that has helped DS make an adjustment in feeling secure around food that wouldn't be safe for him to eat is having developed friendships. And that's happened alot more the last two years of middle school and this first year of high school. I've seen a direct correlation.
It's a trade off, being in that kind of environment, and what he got out of it was being with friends--even if he gave up the eating part. But finding friends with whom he had a lot in common--that was the tough part for a number of years. Once he got into theatre, that made it easier, because there were a number of commonalities. And this year, his theatre friends also have a lot more in common. He was talking about it at dinner tonight (and has a number of times in recent weeks): they love Doctor Who and Downton Abbey, they are "PBS freaks" like he is (his words), they like the same indie music. It's been cool to see. And I've been grateful for it. But it took finding a common interest to make it possible.
(((hugs))) She sounds like a like a great kid. I know you'll find something that works.
And I'd stay away from that cuz.
:yes: to all of that.
My DD has found that with a group of academic hypergeeks-- that's really about all that they have in common, aside from a love for literature. They're just "smart" kids-- and they range in age from 13 to 18, they're homeschooled, privately schooled, publically schooled, etc. All are high schoolers.
They met one another because of a volunteer-run local effort at promoting (serious) writing among teens. A local YA author mentors them-- the core group has also developed an interest in RPG as a social activity, so they meet up at least a couple of times a week. They are all otherwise kids who would live on the fringes socially-- some of them would literally have NO friends otherwise, or may have never had friends before now.
It's all about finding a shared interest and other people who like it, too. Less isolation = better confidence. It's global.
Another thing that has really helped is volunteering. This was very hard for a lot of years, because we don't have a faith community to act as the backbone for such things. But if you find a local agency that NEEDS volunteer help and is something that your DD is passionate about, she can build social relationships there, too. It's slow, but it works a lot better than the cruising/drinking/parking method of socialization. (And yes, I've seen that model of "teen activities" as well; grew up with it. Not good.)
A bit off topic but what exactly does/did everyone do with their kids for Halloween? My daughter is only 4 so she doesn't really know that all the other kids are out in costumes getting candy.
I threw a party at our house early enough to avoid scheduling conflicts. As for giving out candy I'm not much for it. I may give some out rather than shut off all the lights and avoid trick or treaters. It's not my thing.
We took DS trick or treating. He loved chatting it up with people in the neighborhood (even ones he'd never met). We'd use a very cheap/disposable loot bag. Once we got home he'd trade the loot bag for a better one. :) it had safe stuff and also there was a significant prize--like very cool toy. One year it was a double stomp rocket. One year it was a smoke-filled bubble machine (these specific things were when he was older).
Some folks have the Great Pumpkin or Pumkin Fairy do this work.
DS just did not have the expectation the candy was his to keep. I mean it's not like he would have gotten to keep all that junk if he didn't have a food allergy.