Oh, Socks. I truly understand what you are talking about. My dd did the same thing for several years, washing her hands until they were raw and bled. And I felt the same way you did.
Then my dd had an ana reaction at school, (ambulance, two epis, etc.), which caused her a complete anxiety meltdown or PTS for months. It was absolutely horrible. (Did you know that anxiety attacks have many of the same symptoms as ana? SCARY!! It got to where we couldn't go anywhere.) I remembered we had a family friend in another town that was a child psychiatrist. So I called, and he advised us to find a great psychologist/psychiatrist asap, (and that he felt given her life-threatening health condition, it would have been in her best interest if she had had one since the moment we found out about her allergies.)
I was apprehensive. Didn't really feel comfortable having anyone deal with our personal problems, but I was beginning to get desperate. I knew how to keep her safe from allergies. I knew what to do if she had a reaction. But I felt completely lost on helping her deal with her fear and anxiety. All that I taught her and discussed with her just didn't seem to help like I thought it was, and I felt helpless and sad for her.
So I began looking for help. I did a LOT of research, regarding qualifications, insurance, location. The first one we tried didn't work out at all. So I did some asking around, more digging and was blessed to find an angel of a psychologist. She has worked with MANY kids with chronic health problems, including food allergies, and her own (grown) daughter has severe food allergies, too. She is amazing! She has helped my dd so much! She has a kids room where my dd can play or create while they talk. She does so many amazing things to help my dd build her confidence and helps her feel and understand that she has so much control of her allergies. My dd loves going to see her, and she has helped us, as a family, understand so much about what is going on with her and how to help her.
I never thought in my whole life I would pay for therapy, but it has been so worth it. It was actually one really good thing that came out of her ana reaction. So.....if it is at all possible, I highly, highly recommend it. It has changed our lives. And my seriously shy, little daughter, is coming way out of her shell and is now the first one to speak up and talk about her allergies.