Avoiding handshakes

[socks on a rooster]

In the past two days, an adult has reached out to shake my 9 yr old daughter's hand at social functions twice. She does not want to shake hands as she is milk allergic and it's fairly likely she's going to get a milk handshake. How do you politely decline? My daughter put her hands behind her back and I was left a little flustered, then quickly explained she does not shake hands for health reasons. Both people looked confused and slightly offended. Maybe thought she/I was a germophobe? I really don't feel like going into a discussion of LTFA w/strangers..... Any ideas how to handle this?

[CMdeux]

Honestly, there's not going to be any way to win this one, ultimately.

We, too, avoid handshakes when we can, usually by keeping our hands where others aren't tempted.  Your daughter's strategy there is one that actually works if you apply it preemptively (as opposed to reactively).  But truthfully, there are going to be times when we can't-- at least not without making a big deal about it...

DD has a great strategy, I think-- she considers her hands "contaminated" anytime she is outside of the house.  If she's in a social setting like this-- she considers them "grossly" contaminated, and makes an extraordinary effort NOT TO TOUCH HER OWN FACE until she's had a chance to wash them with soap and water.  She also carries a purse pack of wipes and will use those in a pinch.

When the prinicpal or your state legislator reaches for your hand, it's better to shake,* just as it will be someday with a job interviewer or future in-law.  KWIM?



* the exception, of course, being the case in which the person really HAS been holding an allergen in that paw right before trying to touch you with it.  THEN, you really have to say "no thanks" or pretend that you didn't see the overture (I've done that, btw).

[twinturbo]

No techniques, just commiseration of a sort. One of my children is still in the toddler/preschooler age and people want to touch him constantly. Maybe I'm weird but I think anywhere under 12-13 is too young for an adult to initiate touch even in a handshake. I'm not a real touchy person though.

Although we similarly push the kids to not put hands in eyes, mouth, nose (obviously gross anyhow), especially outside the house. One kid it works well with and he avoids like mad, the other takes reactions and epipens like, "that wasn't so bad".

[Janelle205]

Maybe I'm weird but I think anywhere under 12-13 is too young for an adult to initiate touch even in a handshake. I'm not a real touchy person though.

While I definitely think that it is a little weird in most situations, I wanted to let you know that at the camps that I've worked at, I've been trained, and trained staff members to greet their new campers by getting down on their level and offering a handshake.  It's done to make them feel a little more grown-up and to kind of treat them as a partner for their experience for the next few days or weeks.  I know that at two of the facilities that I have worked at, this was part of a training by a 'big guy' who travels doing camp counselor trainings, so it's probably pretty widespread in the camping industry.  We saw a lot of kids that may have had reasons why they didn't want to shake hands though - so we covered ways to not make a big deal of it as well.

Now, being a child's camp counselor is a little bit different (in some cases, you're living and caring for the child for up to 8 weeks) than a random adult that you meet at a party or some such function.  I just wanted to let you know that in that particular industry, and thus, perhaps in others, the employees are being trained to do that exact thing.  Doesn't mean that you can't refuse the handshake though - I can't speak for everyone, but if a child was reluctant to shake hands or told one of my employees that they didn't want to, they would be offered an alternate less or no touch greeting.

[becca]

My soon to be 8yo son has no allergies and would not returna a handshake.  it makes him uncomfortable to be approached so closely by adults he does not know very intimately(non-family, basically).  So, I offer a quick explanation that he is shy or uncomfortable touching people he does not know well. 

Honestly, I do not presume that every hand that comes near my dd is contmintated with peanuts or eggs, her allergens.  Unless it is right after lunch at school or something.  Like CM, we focus alot on the no touching the face, no biting nails, washing hands asap, after being out and about and while out and about, etc...  We are so many places where she would touch things other hands touch, like doors, railings, etc... that I just do not consider a handshake much differently than anything she might touch.

becca

[socks on a rooster]

Thanks for your replies. My daughter considers her hands contaminated outside of home too, and carries wipes so she can clean them afterward or if necessary to touch her face. We were at a place where people had been eating baked goods, cheesecake, cupcakes etc...and not washing their hands afterward. It was an inevitable "milk shake." I guess she was caught off guard, and frankly I was too that someone would want to shake a 9 yr old girl's hand. These were adult males whom my daughter would never see again. I'll give her to tip to put her hands behind her back prior to, and maybe a bow would suffice. That's what her instructor tells her to do in karate when they typically shake hands with a long line of people. He doesn't point out LTFA in any way, just  says that those who wish to bow instead may do so as that is what is does in Japan, and is a sign of respect.

[krasota]

Teach her to smile graciously, maintain eye contact, and just simply say, "I have food allergies and can't shake hands, but it's very nice to meet/see you."  I usually nod/incline my head slightly when I do it.

The person will be taken aback at first, but the conversation will proceed normally.  There may be questions, but she can either answer them or deflect.  Laughter and a smile go a long way and this is something she will have to learn to deal with.  Yeah, she's young, but she can handle that. 

[Scout]

its funny how different this can make us seem......

we have always taught ds (no allergies) to shake all adults hands and maintain eye contact with a " nice to meet you ------or how do you do" etc.

dd- Peanut--same thing.....HMM never gave it much thought.......BUT she is out in the world--dancing alot and although contact reactive (arms have broken out from lunch tables etc)  **although not in a very long time.    this has never caused an issue.....we go to the Six Flaggs by us ALOT and she goes on all the rides
she is height eligable for and so I guess I just figured she is touching so much stuff........

She must not be very sensitive
I guess my post is not helpful, Im just thinking out loud.

[Carefulmom]

Aside from allergies, the whole ritual of hand shaking is a infectious disease waiting to happen.  Doctors never shake hands.  When I am at a medical conference and run into someone I have not seen in years, we never shake hands---at least not doctors who deal with patients with contagious illnesses (maybe surgeons shake hands).  This is in contrast to the rest of the scenarios where everywhere I go people expect to shake hands.  Aside from food allergies, one is much more likely to catch an illness from a hand shake than a door knob or a ride at Six Flaggs, etc.  I finally decided during the H1N1 epidemic not to worry about offending people.  I noticed that an acquaintance of mine who has a job where he has business meetings daily and shakes hands with several people each day is always sick.  This is probably why.

So back to socks, what dd and I do if we do not know the person well, is say either:  oh, I don`t want to shake hands, because I think I may be getting a cold and I don`t want to get you sick  or:  oh, I am getting over a cold and I`m not sure if I am still contagious.  It is a total lie, but I decided that I`d rather offend someone than get the flu, especially this time of year.

Dd used to be in a situation of hand shaking a lot when she was  the age of your dd, socks, because she was working in the entertainment industry (acting, modeling).  It used to come up a lot.  When she was working and there would be the craft services area full of nuts, I would cringe.  She learned to either stick her hands in her pockets before the hand shake, which usually preempted it, or else afterwards keep her hands away from her face until she could use a wipe or wash her hands.

BTW, my impression of adults who want to shake hands with a 9 year old is usually that they have not been around a lot of kids and just don`t know how to relate to them.  At least that has been my experience.

[Janelle205]

It's funny you mention that about doctors Carefulmom - my allergist/pulmonologist always shakes my hand when I have an appointment with him, about every 2 months or so.  However, he always washes his hands upon entering the room, before shaking my hand, and then washes them again before leaving.  And while he's not a total food allergy specialist, he is very knowledgeable about food allergies and has a LTFA himself - to cashews.

I do think that he is the only doctor that I have seen that shakes hands though.  Except for perhaps some of the physical therapists that I have seen, and they are pretty hands on in general anyway.

[CMdeux]

I wasn't going to mention that, but Carefulmom is exactly right-- allergens are only a very small part of the reason why we avoid handshakes. 

Infectious disease is a much bigger issue in many ways, and it's the primary reason that we don't.

  I also have several musicians, artists, and craftspersons in my family-- and frankly, in someone like that, your hands are your livlihood.  Very rare is the concert pianist that will shake hands-- with anyone.  Likewise eye and neurosurgeons.
  I never really thought about that until I crafted microelectrodes.  Doing manipulations by hand under a microscope made me very conscious of how much my hands are a unique and fairly fragile gift.  Not everyone has that kind of fine motor dexterity, and ANY nerve compromise can damage it (as I discovered after helping to move furniture one afternoon and getting my hand smacked in a doorway-- I couldn't work for a week, even though I could do regular everyday tasks just fine and it didn't even really HURT).

Again, though-- that isn't something that the average person is going to have much understanding of, so either dodge the contact preemptively, or be prepared to offer up a social lie, or just know that you're going to be labeled eccentric.

[SilverLining]

Teach her to smile graciously, maintain eye contact, and just simply say, "I have food allergies and can't shake hands, but it's very nice to meet/see you."  I usually nod/incline my head slightly when I do it.

The person will be taken aback at first, but the conversation will proceed normally.  There may be questions, but she can either answer them or deflect.  Laughter and a smile go a long way and this is something she will have to learn to deal with.  Yeah, she's young, but she can handle that. 

Personally I prefer this response rather then "I have/had/might be getting a cold".

I have food allergies and I deal with that.  Sometimes people say things, and I don't care.  But, I don't want anyone adding to their chatter about me "always" being sick, or being OCD about germs.

~~

Anyone try the Howie Bump?  I suggested it to Jim (who is OCD about germs) but he said no.  If the person has no obvious signs of illness he shakes their hand, then uses Purell as soon as he can without offending anyone.  He has no allergies....just worried about germs.

[socks on a rooster]

Thanks Silverlining, I like that wording. We will practice with that. Thanks everyone!

[Macabre]

.... the other takes reactions and epipens like, "that wasn't so bad".

Quit posting about my child!!!  lol  Sigh. He loves, at age 13, putting his fingers in his mouth.  Egads. And yeah, a few funky reactions from picking up traces and then having accidental ingestion--and anaphylaxis. 


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Haven't read the rest of the thread, but I keep the Wet Ones packets in my purse.  Another time when it's really bad to refuse: during the passing of the peace at church.  We just shake.  Then wash or use a wipe.  Glad communion is first. 

[maeve]

.... the other takes reactions and epipens like, "that wasn't so bad".

Quit posting about my child!!!  lol  Sigh. He loves, at age 13, putting his fingers in his mouth.  Egads. And yeah, a few funky reactions from picking up traces and then having accidental ingestion--and anaphylaxis. 


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Haven't read the rest of the thread, but I keep the Wet Ones packets in my purse.  Another time when it's really bad to refuse: during the passing of the peace at church.  We just shake.  Then wash or use a wipe.  Glad communion is first. 

Hey, you're posting about my DD.  She still puts her fingers in her mouth at 10 and is awful about rubbing her eyes (she completely inherited that tendency from me--well both actually).  Her last reaction was to egg protein residue a couple of years ago and the method of introduction was rubbing her eyes.  We shake hands but I also keep wipes on hand (pun partially intended).