Tired of the Special Treatment

[rainbow]

I was at a support group forum recently and a leading pediatric allergist came as a guest speaker.  Several school nurses were in attendance since the pediatric allergist was speaking.  The nurses all kept asking questions like, "How do I know whether to believe the parents about these food allergies, I mean there seem like way too many kids with them now..." and "I spend a huge percent of my days accomodating these kids with food allergies! Why is this necessary, and how can I convince these parents that accomodations aren't necessary?" etc.

The 3 nurses all seemed so doubtful it was scary!  One was elderly and more inquisiitive, and offered some perspective since she'd seen the changes over the years in # kids and range of food allergies. She seemed to accept the Allergist's advice that "It's your job to believe the parent, and my job to work with the parents on the child's medical needs".   The other 2 nurses (they came together) were rude and arrogant. They were suspicious of "parents wanting accomodations".  Again, Dr. put them in their place by saying, "it is your JOB to accept the medical information provided by parents and the necessity of the accomodations. It is NOT your place to doubt the parents".  Several of us chimed in that there are always easy substitutions (e.g, buttons for pasta in art). ANd most of us were trying to scream STOP THE FOOD ACTIVITIES. It was such an obvious solution! 

The nurses all seemed resentful of parents of kids with LTFA, or you could stay "tired of the special treatment" because it makes their jobs busier.  And they doubted that it was life threatening, even though one nurse was talking after the meeting that she had administered an Epi to a student (elem), and the paramedics came and thought she was ok so refused to transport to hospital.

[hezzier]

even though one nurse was talking after the meeting that she had administered an Epi to a student (elem), and the paramedics came and thought she was ok so refused to transport to hospital.

Oh, this is scary. 

[candyguru]

I'm just wondering if I'm the only one out there that wishes that food allergies weren't taken as seriously as they are?

When you have a daughter like mine who is rushed to the hospital in an ambulance at less than 3 years of age (and more than once), receives 2 epi-pens, is hooked up to an IV for 5 hours with steroids and benedryl being pumped into them, and then needs to take prescription steroids for 4 days...  maybe at that point you won't be tired of the special treatment and will agree food allergies are something that should be taken seriously.

[lakeswimr]

I can understand that the OP himself does not want people making a big deal about his FAs.  Maybe he will stick around and read things in the school forum that explain why we care about equal treatment for FA students in schools, families, etc.  I hope he feels welcome to stick around. 

[Janelle205]

I can understand that the OP himself does not want people making a big deal about his FAs.  Maybe he will stick around and read things in the school forum that explain why we care about equal treatment for FA students in schools, families, etc.  I hope he feels welcome to stick around. 

I think that the same is true really, for most kids with food allergies.  They don't want a big deal to be made out of it.  But for a lot of kids, especially the young ones, it is important to them that they are accommodated.  And though this can take a lot of behind the scenes planning, it can really, pretty easily (as someone who has worked in daycare and alternative ed.) be done without it seeming like a big deal.

Suppose one of my instructors wants to make pinecone bird feeders, but we know that we have a PA student.  This is fine.  Everyone uses sunbutter (barring a sunflower allergy) instead - everyone can do the activity without a big deal being made of it. 



For adults (and I imagine, teens - my FAs are adult-onset), I think that a lot of people want to be as little of a burden as possible.  I would rather just bring my own food to a function rather than someone who doesn't know what they are doing trying to make things allergy free.  I don't want to be any trouble or call any more attention to it than necessary.  I really have a hard time asking other people to change things to accommodate me.  This is probably why I ended up having an anaphylactic reaction at work, but to be honest, before then, I had no reason to believe that I was THAT sensitive to apples, so it isn't something that I would have asked for in the first place.

Do teens and adults need to be accommodated at the same level as younger children?  In most cases, probably not.  But it is important for some people, and especially the younger kids. 

Not FA - but when I went out of my way to have Halaal (I don't know if I spelled that correctly) marshmallows at camp so that all of the students could have s'mores, the kids that needed them were SO excited.  Most of them had never had one before - and it was completely worth it.

[CMdeux]

There is a huge difference between a quiet aside of; "Oh, no big deal.. we'll do something that works for everyone, then..."

and a HUGE!  MAJOR!!  IMPORTANT!!!

ANNOUNCEMENT!!  TO EVERYONE!!
 





The latter, I think that most of us would far, FAR prefer to do without.  In a big, big way. 

[Ra3chel]

Here's my question for you: why do you feel the need to post on a board of mostly moms about this? I love that you're here - don't get me wrong - but I can't figure out what you're trying to tell us. Are you mad because moms who go overboard with their protections make your life harder?

First things first I'm not mad at anyone. And admittedly i may have neglected to look at the demographic of the forum before posting, so if at any time durring this post i have offended any one I  am sorry for that.

There's an adults-with-food-allergies sub-board, which tends to be a better place to bring stuff like this--I think a lot of us identify with what you're saying, but it really, really is a different situation for a parent trying to keep their kid safe than for an adult choosing or avoiding risks on their own behalf. Responsibility for the life and safety of another person is a HUGE game-changer, even when all the other variables are the same.

[Ra3chel]

I agree with the OP that shows of "concern" are embarrassing and ultimately not useful.  I would rather see matter-of-fact accommodation without comment.  I don't think it's healthy for my kids to hear expressions of pity and discussions of life-threatening possibilities as a matter of course.

Again, FA-adult perspective: I avoid events with food because of how much I hate the invasions of privacy, assumptions, and inquisitive / pitying attention that come with disclosure of food allergies. For me, it's not just a pity / comfort thing: I don't interrogate acquaintances and co-workers about their bodies and medical histories, and as far as I'm concerned, mine are none of their g*dd*mn business (with the obvious exception of the HR department, which, at least at my company, is cool responsible about confidentiality). Some of the worst fights I've gotten in with my partner come from the fact that he considers it incredibly rude to request accommodations without exhaustive explanation, and I both profoundly disagree and am incredibly uncomfortable with other people disclosing personal information on my behalf.

(Another reason I love, love, love having allergy cards I can just *hand* to people at restaurants: they obviate like 90% of the awkward, invasive conversations.)

[hopechap]

Usually when someone is painstakingly careful about my child's allergies -- its a one book author.  The effort was so great that I can bet that they will find a way to not invite me the next year. 

On the other hand, like the above poster -- my heart is a little more warmed by some measure of consideration.  When people are inconsiderate - its a bad lesson for him -- the adults are not modelling good behaviour. 

So, what my child gets is not one treatment or the other. He gets a grab - bag.  One friend will make her child's b-day cake rather than risk my child having a reaction, even when I tell her to please just get the sheetcake of her choice. And some parents will bring treats to school without a thought as to whether or not my son can partake. No email. Nothing.

But the whole social exchange is not fun.  We'd much rather be able to follow the rules of politeness.  My girlfriend was in big trouble as a child if she either did not say "no thank you" to food offered to her as a geust, or eating it and saying it was delicous no matter what it was. I remeber saying "no thank you" to an aunt and having my plate heaped with food despite my declinig it.  Well, fa kids just aren't able to participate in this kind of geust/host relationship.

[SilverLining]

Usually when someone is painstakingly careful about my child's allergies -- its a one book author.  The effort was so great that I can bet that they will find a way to not invite me the next year. 

I hope that's not true of everyone that takes the time.

Prior to dealing with fa's myself, I was friends with a woman who's son had multiple fa's.  Over time, I had discovered what he could/could not eat.  She never asked for anything special for him.  But each year, my kids birthday parties were a little bit better for him.  Keeping in mind, this was back in the 80's, and there was no "may contain" warnings, and most parents didn't really think about it....he could not eat pizza, so my kids chose hot dogs instead, so everyone could eat at the party.  He could eat cake, but not icing, so I made cupcakes and half of them had jam on top instead of icing.  I knew he would select one with jam, so there was no singling out by doing this.  Instead of ice-cream, we had a sorbet.

To me, it was so worth it.  The smile on his face....priceless.  His mom phoning me crying her thanks when he told her what I had done...priceless.

All these years later...I'd go the extra distance to eliminate may contains.  And I'd do it so only the mom knew the details and she could stay or not, and let her child know what (everything!) was safe for him/her.

[candyguru]

Usually when someone is painstakingly careful about my child's allergies -- its a one book author.  The effort was so great that I can bet that they will find a way to not invite me the next year. 

Fortunately, we have never experienced this.  Maybe we are just lucky, or perhaps people in Willowdale are extra nice?

[PurpleCat]

Usually when someone is painstakingly careful about my child's allergies -- its a one book author.  The effort was so great that I can bet that they will find a way to not invite me the next year. 

Fortunately, we have never experienced this.  Maybe we are just lucky, or perhaps people in Willowdale are extra nice?

Same here - not our experience.  People who have treated DD well have done so repeatedly!

[YouKnowWho]

Oh we have those in our lives that supposedly get it like DS1's teacher who had nieces with Celiac or the room mom who was so sympathetic about how DS1 handled his allergies.  That teacher then went on to plan a 100 days activity that caused DS1 much anxiety because it was all sorts of gluteny items which while he didn't have to touch, other kids had them spread all over their desks as they graphed them (just found that out in one of our discussions about what he would like changed about next year).  That parent who was so sympathetic said to me "Your DS is so good about his allergies that he won't mind participating".  WHAT IN THE HELL? 

His kindy teacher was a nightmare on wheels who meant well, gave lots of lip service and put his health at risk on several occassions (ie when DS felt itchy all over, they brought him to the nurse who saw nothing but told him to come back if he was still itchy but they wouldn't let him leave again or when she told him to sit down when he said he felt wheezy - she lied about both issues btw).  DS1 is a rule follower but I had to convince him if it happens again that he needs to walk out of class and go straight to the nurses office and that we would deal with the consequences.  I had to remind him over and over again that only he knows how he is feeling. 

Yeah, I know it's wheat, rye, barley and egg and you cannot imagine your life without them and I know you could just die if you couldn't have bread, well guess what - he can.  I also hate people telling me that they could never do that and I should be nominated for sainthood (lady, if you knew what I was thinking about you for the last statements you made, you would understand sainthood is not in my future).  Really?  Am I supposed to let my child starve or do I get off my butt and find some safe, healthy and tasty items for the family.

I keep the lines of communication open with my kids.  For now, they prefer having their own treats.  I do like that our school hands them out at lunch so both boys don't feel "as different".  It's more apparent for DS1 and he thankfully is okay with being outspoken about having allergies and maybe that will change. 

We also talk about what did and didn't work at school as a whole (moreso in the last week or so as we gear up for notes with the allergist and get ready to redo our allergy plan in the upcoming months).  I have my own allergies and know how I feel about them but my allergies were either developed later in life or not as big an issue. 

I know that we have had failures in the journey - DS1 wanted to abandon his own treats in preschool mainly because the teacher made a big deal about them and other kids wanted to have his or asked why they couldn't pick.  Now DS1 wants two kinds of treats at his teachers desk and she gives him one before lunch quietly.  So yes, in that way he doesn't want the focus on him.

It's a learning process for all of us. 

[Macabre]

Yes, what hope Hopechapel describes is exactly our experience. Sadly.


Corrected Hopechapel's name---silly autocorrect changed it to Halle.

[CMdeux]

Yes, mixed grab-bag of responses.

Unpredictably so, which is even sadder; it would be one thing if it were 'self-absorbed' people that blew things off the most, or decided that it was an overblown PITA or something.  Because then you could avoid some of the angst by knowing which people were going to be ugly and which ones would be one-trick ponies... and which ones complete GEMS...drama-llamas...  or micro-managers from hell...  if only I could predict it by knowing the person.  <sigh>


It's not that simple.  At least, not always.  Sometimes it's the friend who would otherwise give you the shirt off of his/her back.  That hurts even worse than when the neighborhood turkey can't be bothered.  It feels much more personal.